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Talk:Mythril Lords
Media:MythialLords.png Alright, since there is a great deal to adress this is going to be a long one. First and foremost, your intro is clunky and lacks really anything interesting whatsoever to say of the Chapter, their culture, or what they are. You have some muddled stuff about them being "presumably" of the third founding, which is all well and good but in of itself is pretty bland information. Most if it is about how they know but do not wish to tell who their Primarch and Legion are, which frankly has been beaten to death with both canon and fanon chapters. Everyone is trying to be mysterious and out there because they don't have an openly declaired Primach but really the entire Chapter screams Dark Angels meets Salamanders. regardless, as you have the entire Dark Angels flavor but in a forced and lacking style. Finally on the intro, that blurb about them being fleet based but not anymore is a non sequenter and could be put literally anywhere else to make it flow better. Onto History: First and foremost, why are you even trying to sort of have this "Presumably" of the Third Founding when you make it extremely clear that it really is the case? It comes off as you trying to have some made up mystique for no reason. Secondly, the naming conventions come off as cumbersome and lazy. Nyarlathotep. Really? Look I know your going for a Cuthulu Mythos sort of theme here but hijacking names is not going to get you anywhere. Make up your own convention, names like Hemnoth or Khjet, stuff that SOUNDS Lovecraftian but is more unique and less pretentious sounding. The bit about the flame sounds alright but is also mangled in meaning, did they keep the miracilous flame that sparked on the first Chapter Master's guantlets or were they gifted some kind of torch to symbolically carry the light of the Imperium? Personally, I'd have the Chapter Master's gauntlets as some kind of Relic Weapon and have the flames be borne of something like a feat, perhaps strangling a Possessed Chaos Marine to death during the Chapter's first campaign of the Scouring or something of that nature. Moving on to the bit about their divide, which again is a bit of a 40k cleshie but if you pull it off well it tends to work as a story telling element. You didn't really do that though. First and foremost, Set Oschea Iscariot... I just... Look, you have the Egyptian god of death and fucking Judas' last name, you can't scream blatant bad guy any louder it comes off as supremely lazy writing. Just shorten his name to Oschea as that seems about the only original part of the character, because the rest is basically the plot of Dawn of War. First, he's not a Cheif Librarian or even a Librarian, which does not make sense as he legitimately has Psyker abilities as you make it clear. Even if he was not a proper psyker, no Space Marine Chapter is just gonig to take random visions of an officer that turn out to be true as a good thing, they are going to presume Chaos Corruption at worst and the sudden awakening of hidden Psyker potential at best. Either way, he has to be a Librarian for this to make sense. Furthermore, the fact that he comes out of his vision quest basically spewing heresy would mean he would not get followers, but a bolt shell to the back of the head by the nearest Chaplain. The best way you can salvage this is if you make Oschea into a Librarian who was possessed by a Daemon or perhaps turned from the rightous path by some kind of hubris. Perhaps he felt he could use his power of Prescience better than anyone and it led the Chapter into a catastrophic military bluder and he, along with a few followers, left in self imposed exile and shame. Perhaps Oschea and his followers fall to Chaos or perhaps they remain as guardian angels behind the scenes, showing up every now and then to save the Chapter or right wrongs. Now the things you do right but might need some expanding on: The Fast Attack doctrine of the Chapter seems legit, though you need to find more of a focus and theme. Right now it reads like a bastardization of the Sisters of Battle and Salamanders doctrine on cocaine. Perhaps make them more about surgical lighting strikes, or perhaps they rely heavily on their Librairans, as your going for a Cuthulu-feel. Perhaps their Librarians are more De Facto commanders than the actual Captains, and perhaps due to a high proclivity of the Chapter's Marines developing Psyker traits, every Librarian gets a small cadre of two or three Apprentces who are Librarians as well. They could use powers like Teleportation and so on to close rapidly with the enemy or shroud an advance, making their Fast Attack both unique and deadly. Organization: Not much to complain about other than the fact that literally every Codex Chapter does this to an extent. Generally speaking aptitude does have a lot to do with what a Space Marine becomes at the end of their first trials of Seeding, but for the most part Space Marines cycle through the classes of Devastator, Assault, and Tactical so that by the time they make First Company they are efficent with litterally every weapon the Chapter has to offer. Letting them overspecialize like what the Mythril Lords are doing is dangerous as it really does not leave them the ability to aptly act in any capacity like you say, its simply not how specialization works. Onto "Chapter's Belief's": Now them not holding to the Imperial Cult is fine, but you can't have them spreading the Imperial Creed about like its the Great Crusade still, that's point blank Heresy and seeding dissent against the Imperial establishment. However, the "Still On Crusade" feel you are trying to envoke could be very cool if expaned upon. Honestly, focus more on them going out for long deployments into the depths of space, setting up proper colonies across the galaxy in the spirit of the Great Crusade. Perhaps then the Chapter needs not to have a Homeworld but perhaps they cultivate good realations with worlds they help colonize and conquer, leaving monuments and the like for the people to remain loyal even so far from the core of the Imperium. And perhaps they have specialized Standard Bearers who instead bring large torches into battle, just a thought. Furthermore, "Chapter Personality" and "Chapter's Belief's" can both be rolled into a single neat category called "Chapter Culture". In closing, the Mythril Lords have more potential than most Chapters I see on this wiki, and its not the worst I've ever seen. However, it needs a great deal of work to ascend from the current mire of medocrity. There are some cool ideas that can become even cooler and practical if you are willing to put in the work and accept the critisem with a pinch or two of salt here and there. I hope to see good things from this Chapter, and hope I've helped a bit in a way, regards.T42 (talk) 21:33, March 21, 2016 (UTC)